COLUMNS FOR THE DENVER NORTH TRIBUNE, DENVER, COLORADO
Being Okay when things are not always "Okay" From “Brain Floss” by Julieann Myers, LCSW, CACIII, MAC
Have you ever caught yourself saying everything is okay when it isn’t? We live in a society where the goal is to be OK all of the time, and when we are not okay there is an immediate shift in our energy to try to be OK again. What are we avoiding, if we stop resisting it, maybe we can deal with it, resolve it and then be freer to move forward. By avoiding not being okay with ourselves during times when things really are not all right keeps us stuck on that event or events.
Read the following scenario that happens all too frequently. You get up in the morning, get stuck in traffic, get a speeding ticket after being stuck in traffic for so long and you get to work to find out you have missed a very important meeting. Later, after your Boss reprimands you, you get a call from your teenage son’s school stating he missed class again, (no kids?), okay, you get a call from a family member about one of your parents going into the hospital. (you are getting the idea). Your nerves are “frazzled”, you feel like you are on the verge of “losing it” at work, and you go home with a smile on your face and act like nothing is wrong. You think to yourself if I can just “suck it up,” things will be okay. Over time and many compounded scenarios like this one, your health (physical and mental) is affected.
Read the following even more extreme example and see if you can relate to it. When the catastrophic bombing happened on “911,” some victims refused help from friends and family. They tried hard to forget what happened rather than havingto face what happened and having to be uncomfortable with their feelings. More than a year later, some people have developed physical illness from the stress, sadness, and feeling of being out of control. Many of the victims, bi-standers and family members of those involved in the incident have also developed symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. These symptoms include panic or anxiety, phobia or substance abuse.
The Truth About Fear From “Brain Floss” By Julieann Myers, LCSW, CACIII, MAC
Recently there has been a lot written about the emotion
“fear.” Topics such as “how to live without fear, fearless living, be fearless”
and many other books about fear. This poses the question “why would we want to
live without fear?”
The point is; rather than living without fear, let’s
acknowledge and understand it.
The reality is, fear serves a purpose and is part of the
human condition.Fear is actually
hard-wired in our brains to help with the most basic need of our survival.
Without it, we could have reduced inhibitions to the point of doing things in
spite of the danger or consequences.Fear helps us avoid taking potentially dangerous or risky decisions and
that can be helpful!Although when fear
paralyzes us from getting what we need or want it can be destructive!
Fear is just another
emotion!It does not cause us to have an
unhappy life, it’s how we deal with fear that can!
Examples of allowing
fear to be destructive in our lives include:
Avoiding situations
that have a “perceived” threat of pain or punishment.A perceived threat is fear of what you think
might happen without real proof to back it up.
Avoiding situations where we “could” fail. Feeling fearful
about the possibility of failure can keep us from doing what we need or want to
do. Examples include finding a job, being assertive, and making decisions
Believing that fear is the equivalent of being weak or
vulnerable.This can lead us to
unhealthy or unsafe life choices.
Think about how you deal with fear.How does it work for you or against you?Take some small risks and see.
You “Get” What You “Focus” On From “Brain Floss” By Julieann Myers, LCSW, CACIII, MAC
Are you getting what you want? If not, you may be focusing on what you don’t want!
It is quite simple - If we focus on what we don’t want, then we end up getting what we don’t want! Read the following examples of how people focus on what they “don’t” want. These will help you to determine your own focus.
I can’t stop smoking. I keep trying to quit, but I just can’t do it.
I need to get exercise, but I just don’t have time.
I will never have a fulfilling relationship.
I just can’t, don’t, or won’t ever ……
The natural tendency of human beings is to seek what makes sense to them, and then make it fit it into our current understanding of reality. So, if we believe we can’t do something, we will seek out information or situations that validate that belief.
Changing our focus does not change the external reality of our world; however, it does change our “internal” understanding of our reality. Being aware of our focus helps us to take responsibility for what we believe is possible in our lives and gives us the energy to create what we want instead of recreating what we don’t want. Consider the following examples of a change in focus (Note that the external reality is not different, just the focus!):
I have tried to quit smoking in the past; maybe I haven’t found the method that works for me!
Exercise helps me feel better, what are options within my busy schedule
I want a fulfilling relationship.
I want, I can, and I do know the answers.
If you believe you can’t do something, even if you begin to experience some level of progress, you still are not likely change your perspective, and will in most cases fall back to what you believe. It is also quite possible that you will find a way to verify, confirm or otherwise force-fit it to your current reality and belief systems.
What Is Your Association? From “Brain Floss” By Julieann Myers, LCSW, CACIII, MAC
How do we form first impressions? Part of it is based on association. It’s not always about the person or the situation but about past associations. Were you stressed or relaxed at the time of the meeting? Did someone you dislike forewarn you about the person you are just meeting? Did someone you like and respect give you information about this person prior to the meeting? Does this new person that you are meeting remind you of someone? All of these things may have an impact on how you experience you first meeting with someone new. Sometimes even a label, such as President or Police Officer, will affect how we initially interact with someone or make a decision. Let’s start with people being “inter-relational”. Every time you meet someone, or interact with someone there is an effect on you and the other person. Every encounter is recorded in our brain and an emotional association is attached to the memory.
To understand how this works, try the following:
Think about someone in your past who you can remember very well. How did you know them? Where did you meet them? Was it a positive experience or a negative experience? What made it pleasant or unpleasant? What other things can you remember that may have affected how you experienced them and the situation?
Our brain learns by Association, even in our relationships with people!
Now, think about someone else that you have met that reminds you of the person from your past. If your initial meeting with the person from your past was negative, you may start out with some hesitation or negative feelings towards the more recent person. Likewise, if your first encounter was positive you may feel a more positive anticipation or association.
Knowing how we associate doesn’t mean we will stop associating new people and situations with past situations, but being aware of how this works can help us be more responsible about how we might be relating to people around us based on other relational associations. If our associations are positive, they may help us in new relationships but if they are negative it may keep us from having new relationships that could be more positive.
Evaluate who you are relating to in your life based on the past. Is it helpful or unhelpful? Give them a second chance to create a new association!